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Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Delicate Ammar Yusuf

Malam tadi, sedang kami semua berbaring baring, tiba tiba Ammar Yusuf menjerit lalu menumbuk dada Adam Muaz berkali kali. We were all so shocked that we screamed at him and pulled his crying brother away.

"Kenapa Abang ni? Kenapa Abang ganas sangat ni? Kenapa Abang pukul Adik sampai macam tu? Abang nak Adik masuk hospital ke?!" bertalu talu aku dan H bertanya.

Ammar Yusuf balas, "Adik gigit kaki Abang laaaaa.."

We ignored him and focused on his brother. Dalam hati aku berkecamuk fikir macam mana someone so little can have so much anger in him? What is wrong with him? Tak cukup lagi ke apa yang sudah kami berikan pada dia?

After things had settled down dan keadaan sudah kembali tenang, I took a deep breath and came to Ammar Yusuf, slowly rubbing his leg.

"Adik gigit kaki Abang ke tadi, sakit ke?"

He ignored me. But I can see that he was holding his tears. Aku teruskan usap kaki dia perlahan. 

"Mummy bukan saje saje nak marah Abang. Mummy terkejut sangat tadi. Abang pukul kuat tau tadi. Abang nak Adik masuk hospital ke?"

Dia menggelengkan kepala.

"Mummy sayang Abang, Mummy terkejut tengok Abang ganas ganas tadi. Adik gigit Abang kuat sangat eh? Kesian Abang.. Mummy sayang tau kat Abang," ulang ulang aku sebut betapa aku sayangkan dia.

 Slowly he said dengan air mata bergenang,

"Dulu Mummy jaga Abang kat hospital.."

"Mummy belikan Abang pistol.."

"Mummy bawa Abang jalan jalan..." (we used to have our Mummy-Son moment before, only two of us)

"Mummy sleep hug Abang.."

Oh my God. I almost forgot how delicate this boy is. I was too occupied with everything that happened in my life nowadays perhaps he was feeling left out and ignored. Or perhaps he just missed the moment when he was getting our full attention instead of having to share our love with his little brother now.  I feel so bad after that he feels that way and thank God that the living room was so dark or else he would see me cry together with him :'(

Ammar Yusuf ini, memang jiwa jiwa orangnya. Ehem. Like mother like son :p It struck me good that he remembers all those tiny details of our moment together. Dia betul betul simpan dalam hati rupanya. I'm so glad that he opened up and speak up to me instead of keeping everything to himself and I hope that he will stay the same so that I can always aware of what he feels. I need that kind of 'reminder', always.

Aku terus peluk Ammar Yusuf, usap rambut dia sambil mengingatkan dia betapa aku bertuah memiliki dia, anak yang bijak, anak yang soleh, dan bercerita betapa comelnya dia sewaktu kecil. It went on for several minutes, until finally he smiled. I'm sorry, my son. Mummy is still trying to be the best for both of you, I really hope that you can see how much I love both of you equally, unconditionally.


2 comments:

  1. Having the same HUGE dilemma. Baby akak memang nak mengempeng setiap masa, jadi abangnya terabai sikit. Dan dia sekarang kerap demam. Bukan sebab dia senang kena penyakit, sebab boleh jer demam tapi masih nak berlari, naik basikal semua tu. So, memang syak yg dia rindu my affection. Cuma dia bukan jenia jiwa2.

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    1. Dah lama sebenarnya tak kena macam ni. Masa awal awal kelahiran Adam Muaz dulu memang ada pernah facing this kind of situation. Bila adik dia dah besar nampak macam dah kurang sikit 'perebutan' kasih sayang tu.

      Maybe kami pun terleka sikit, sedangkan hati dia mungkin dah lama memendam rasa. Sedihlah. Baru anak dua ni, kalau anak deret deret macam mana entah nak bahagikan kasih sayang sama rata :(

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