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Thursday, July 1, 2010

Reminiscence

I was reading my previous entries back to the very beginning, entri di awal penglibatan saya dalam arena blogging ini wah ayat skema you.


Reading your own writings which are full of yourself, panjang lebar dan penuh dengan ejaan budak budak memang menyenakkan dada. Tapi there are several entries yang membuatkan saya senyum sendiri. Senyum sebab terasa sangat poyo diriku ini. Yelah, dulu tujuan asal blogging adalah untuk improve your English so entri awal awal tu memang full English la. Masa tu tak kerja, masa banyak dihabiskan dengan membaca, so Bahasa Inggeris agak baik la ketika itu. Kononnya la kan.


Contoh entri speaking London:
Mama & Baba
Me as jobless graduate (still?)


I just read, and skipped (kalau terasa macam OMG kenapa aku macam ni dulu??), until i read this entri: Ku mohon

......

Aku single masa tu. Lepas grad aku banyak kawan dengan lelaki je. Or maybe sebab single tiba tiba kawan lelaki jadi banyak? Whatever. Masa tu hati memang keras macam batu. Tutur kata manjang nak kasar. Jiwa kayu, dan kosong. Sebab dah tak ada hati untuk insan bergelar lelaki. Diamlah. Tak habis cerita lagi ni. But there's one thing i've learnt, people treat you better when you're single. Macam mana kasar pun kau, kau tetap dianggap comel. Tah pape. Aku sound gila gila pun dia boleh cakap, "Cute la bila yu marah". WTF.

**Dia = si gatal yang trying too hard.

Bila baca entri itu, banyak benda yang buat aku rasa macam tak sangka sangat, macam cepatnya masa berlalu...


April 2009, aku macam heartless gila konon tak perlukan lelaki dalam hidup. Semua aku nak buat sendiri. Masa tu favourite book: Rich Dad Poor Dad by Robert T. Kiyosaki. Semangat meluap luap nak jadi superwoman. Dengar orang cakap pasal cinta pun meluat, rasa macam "Come on la bro, ini realiti. Bukan fantasi. Tak kemananya cinta kau tu". Okay tak pernah la aku cakap macam tu, tapi lebih kurang macam tu la perasaan ni. Kawan pun nak dengan yang single je, sebab bosan dengan drama cinta yang menjelakkan cewah.


That was only last year.


Today, siapa sangka on July 2010, aku tengah busy tak tentu arah pasal persiapan kahwin OMG. Eh kan ke dah bertekad taknak kahwin? Kalau kahwin pun umur 32 tahun? Even most of my bestfriend cakap, "Tak sangka orang yang frust menonggeng masa final year dulu jadi orang yang first antara kita yang kahwin"


Well, after the massive broke-up i've been through, i was pretty sure that i will be last person getting married. Most of my bestfriends were in steady relationship back then, even there are some of them who already talked about marriage aaahhh tolong taknak dengar!! Me? I tak boleh bayang macam mana nak mulakan bercinta semula after years being with the same person. I don't know. I don't know. And i'm scared.


So, i've become a heartless heart-breaker. I'm not proud of it. Not even once. A year and a half being single, i've been on and off with several guys (3 of them are married now. Just married. Heh heh. Nasib baik kau tak bodoh tunggu aku dulu). On and off means, mula mula kawan bila nampak dia macam lain je aku terus taknak kawan padan muka kau. I was intended to be friends initially, just friends. But the reality is, at the age of 23-24, guys tend to take a relationship with women seriously and its not time to 'just friends' anymore. So kalau kau dah umur lingkungan macam tu, jangan la kau berkenalan or terima salam perkenalan dari lelaki konon dengan niat nak berkawan. Especially kalau dia single. Kau mungkin tak berniat apa apa, tapi kau sure ke dia berfikiran macam kau? That was my mistake, and i learnt a lot from it.


I met Hanis. Which i never thought of falling in love with him. Basically because of the fear of where he's coming from, his past, his social life. He had the image of troublesome-naughty boy in my head. I learnt a lot about him by time, until i truly saw him. His inner side. His family that he claimed to be completely opposite than what he's become at that moment. A beautiful family. I don't know what had gotten my mind, but i feel like nothing make sense anymore. Love makes you out of control and suddenly you lost track. Where's my spirit? Where is the MISS DON'T-LET-A-MAN-INTERFERE?


It took some time for me to see, how beautiful love could truly be. Something i never thought i could be able to feel again. Betul ayat yang Sue bagi masa i broke up dulu: There's one guy who will make you happier than the one you broke up with, even if it seemed impossible. I met him. I met that 'one guy'. I met my THE ONE. Tak perlu bercinta lama lama pun. I know marriage won't be that easy, but what's better than going through the best and the worst moment with the one you love the most?


2 months, 2 weeks and 2 days to go. Please, pray for us..




8 comments:

  1. cantekk nombor tuh
    nak komen pasal cinta x retilahh kak
    just boleh tolong doakan
    semuanya will be superduper okay
    sampai diijabkabulkan nnti
    ~amin

    ReplyDelete
  2. paragraph 2nd last tu kan.. all i can say is congrats sebab somehow u change him too.. hoho
    itu je.. ckp byk2 nnt kene mati kene blasah ngn abg hanis..
    haha~

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  3. panjang.. aku komen pendek je.. selamat kahwin! hahah

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  4. fadhlinaafifah, nadirah nor & Hapiz Rahman:
    thanks :)
    korang bila lagi? cepat cepat!


    Lord Biohazard:
    heheh. dia cakap dia berubah untuk diri sendiri.
    ego. but i rather said, we changed each other for our own good la kot.
    thanks shamim :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. akak, baru lapan belas kot tkkan nk pk sal kawen. :( ahahaha

    Tapikan Reminiscence tu apa?

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  6. pesal lak aku nk sedih dengan entry nih?

    i ingat waktu u mule2 kapel dengan abang Hanis!! ye.. u cite abang Hanis itu ini. n dun forget mcmane nama abg R tuh wujud ok kak Una?!! sorry abg Hanis. we were laughed at u back then. sume sebab kak una poyo nih.

    see! da nak kawen da. may Allah bless both of u.. ;)

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  7. fadhlinaafifah:
    eh lapan belas tu dah tua la!
    boleh sangat dah nak kawen :P
    dik, reminiscence=memory/nostalgia.
    ;)

    f.a.r.a.h:
    yu memang cepat tacing! haha~
    hoy hoy abg hanis kau ni dah mula tanya dah pasal abg R tu doh!
    i takut nak cite, hahaha.
    u la ni. sengal betul.

    babe, thanks :)

    ReplyDelete