Fix me..

I am in a very bad shape today. Totally wrecked. I'm having terrible mood swing and for the very first time, i don't even know what i want and what i have to do. I'm losing focus, my relationship is at stake, my attempts on something better is a complete failure. I am devastating for God sake. Owh please not to be carried away. Its not supposed to be that bad afterall. Repent? Yes.. Maybe i shoud try repentant. I need a break. I've broke too many rules, please help me find a way.

Well2, she's exaggerating things again~

I am not exaggerating things!

Oh see, she's being complicated again~

I am not being complicated!!

God.. I feel like losing my mind now. Is it due to my passive lifestyle? I'm no longer feel the rush of adrenaline inside. I am too passive! I'm thinking of work out, they said working out would produce some adrenaline hormones that would make you happier and cheer you up. Maybe tomorrow i should drop by at Jusco nearby to buy a good aerobic shoes and start getting sweat. A healthy body leads a healthy mind. Feeling a bit satisfied of myself already :)

Another thing is, re-shaping my mind at this moment is crucial. Take office time as a start. Husna sweetheart, don't let yourself be anxious by that big fat-annoyance-foulmouthed woman, or should i say.. widow? You know that nuisance creature is more than willing to do whatever it takes to get on your nerves, so why bother? I can't.. She's too distressing..!! You don't have to give a damn on that loser, you know it. She's just being bitter for having such a terrible life, and you don't want to end up like her by having that kind of.. should i say, mentally-undeveloped? Dear friends, having that kind of cranky co-worker is a tragedy i tell you. Evenmore when she's older and she self-declared to be more experienced/knowledgeable though everyone knows she was far less educated than you. Even-evenmore when she used to be the flower among the thorns, until you came and take the crown. Feeling intimidated? Jeopardized? Mengaku je la wey!! Tak yah la putar2 alam heboh semua orang cakap aku gedik-gelak gatal whatsoever. Pathetic. (I'm the only female engineer, if that concerns you). Banyak pulak masa dia nak jaga tepi kain aku, tak perasan ke tepi kain dia dah lama terkoyak perlu dijahit.. Lepas tu mula la takut dengan bayang2 sendiri, rasa semua orang cakap pasal dia. Aku punya la tak menang tangan uruskan banyak hal tak ada masa la nak judge kau ni gelak ayu ke gedik ke baju kau over ke apa ke (ok fine, not until now that i have A LOT OF TIME talking about her). First thing first, inexperienced doesn't mean incompetent, we can gain experience in line by time. If you take 10 years to learn everything as a secretary in the same company, don't you think the engineers might be able to gain the same experience and learn everything as much as you have in only 10 months? No offense to all other secretaries out there, please. Bottom line is, do not get too conceited of yourself just because you have 10 or 20 or even 100 years of experience, because there's always a person who can do a lot better than you, in much shorter period than what you've taken. (Plus, do not hate your co-worker just because she's younger and more proficient than you! Huh..)

**Please bear in mind that what happened to me is not something new, because there are a lot my other girlfriends who work in technical team especially as engineers also having difficulties dealing with secretaries/receptionists/PA etc in their workplace. Adakah dah memang lumrah alam that non-technical people tak sebulu dengan technical people, when they share the same gender? Atau memang wujud jenis perempuan macam tu tak kira la apa pun pekerjaan dia? *sigh*

I'm done, pretty relieved because i manage to let out all my frustration in a quite polite manner. Because initially i've drafted the post in much inappropriate languages which include cursing, vulgar words, etc. (Hehe.. I'm bad, i know :P) Then i changed my words, totally different than what i've thought at the first place because.. Erm.. I have no idea the exact reasons. Maybe my anger is slowly fading the more i let out all those negative emotion here :)

Sorry for wasting your precious time with all this craps, thanks for reading.

Sterotype me :p

Buka balik gambar2 lama dalam laptop to be burnt to DVD, sebab dah penuh sangat kapasiti laptop saya ni sampai takde space dah nak letak new downloaded movie (kantoi buat piracy). And i suddenly realized that i have A LOT of photos in these kind of posture.. Haih..

Tema: Ibu Penyayang Memimpin Anak2 Ke Jalan Yang Benar...

Sesuai tak tema di atas dengan sifat semulajadi beliau? :">

Hari ni beraya, esok kerja (-_-")

Selamat hari raya! And raya haji bagi kami sekeluarga biasanya disambut biasa saja. Saya pakai baju raya puasa hari tu je, tak ada nak semangat pakai baju baru pun. Pagi2 pergi rumah kakna, pastu pergi Jusco Wangsa Maju, malam pergi rumah Mak Jah sebab maktok ada kat situ. Tu je kot. Esok saya kerja, semua adik beradik sedara mara sahabat handai kutuk saya sebab kerja esok. Huhu.. Whatever la. Memandangkan alasan yang sering digunakan oleh rakan2 sekerja adalah seperti berikut,

"Ala korang kan bujang lagi, buat apa nak cuti lama2. Berkorban la sikit untuk yang dah berumahtangga ni"

Oleh yang demikian saya bertekad untuk segera meminang kekasih saya cepat2 supaya raya tahun depan kami tidak perlu lagi berkorban masuk office dalam pada semua orang masih bercuti. Apa pendapat awak sayang? Erm... tapi cakap kat mak awak jangan la letak hantaran tinggi sangat tau (-_-"). Dah2.. Sewel agaknya malam ni. Tapi saya rasa kalau dah kahwin pun, mereka akan tukar kepada alasan ni pulak,

"Ala korang 2-2 mana ada kampung. Setakat nak balik subang and kampung batu, buat apa nak cuti lama2.."

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..............!!!!!!! Grrr....

Raya haji ni Arissa dengan Antina dah pakat nak pakai baju pink sama2 supaya kecomelan kami lebih setara. Itu adalah taktik licik kami setiap tahun untuk lebih menyerlah berbanding yang lain2. Tengok gambar bawah. Raya puasa tahun lepas sebenarnya tema kaler brown, tapi kami 2 orang je pakai kaler krim. Dan seperti yang dijangka, ramai yang mencemburui kecomelan dan gaya sofistikated kami. Hahaha =))

Aidilfitri 2008: Antina gojes vs Aicha vogue :)

Sorry bos!

Technical Clarification Meeting with our potential inverter supplier, OPS which based at Australia. Semalam meeting dengan company dari Holand. Mat saleh semua ni saya dah pernah jumpa sebelum ni, tapi tak la kerap sangat. Saya masuk bilik meeting tu..

"Wow Husna, you must be a very happy girl" one of the representative smilingly said. We used to communicate via email and the last time i met him was a month ago.

"Oh, why?" balas saya sambil tersenyum2 memandangkan semua mata tertumpu ke arah saya sekarang.

"You putting on weight right?" kata beliau sambil buat gaya pipi tembam, dan saya terus moral down. Grr..

Yela, dulu saya jumpa dia saya tak la segemuk ni. Wuuu~ Saya masuk meeting, terus ambil seat exactly depan my big boss Encik Safian.

"I thought there was another female engineer with you last time.. Where is she?" the chairman of the supplier's company who is a pure Australian asked.

"Erm.. She resigned already, got better offer" kata saya tanpa sempat berfikir panjang.

"See Safian, better offer?" kata mat saleh tu cynically kepada bos saya yang sangat concentrate with his new BlackBerry.

"That girl works with JKR at this moment" my boss clarified without even looking at me.

Oh damn it, macam mana aku boleh cakap 'she got better offer ni'!! I'm actually thinking of saying that she got another offer and she moved, instead. Tapi biasa la, mulut saya memang lagi cepat dari akal saya. Adeyy.. Mesti bos fikir saya anggap this company isn't better enough. Saya mula rasa tebal muka, rasa macam malu sangat dengan bos. Ok eventhough i know there's no way my boss will read this craps, here i insist to explain my silly statement before:

1. I love my job and i love this company. It is because i can see that this company really takes the employees seriously, kebajikan pekerja sentiasa terpelihara, saya tak ada masalah untuk sembahyang (banyak tempat kerja kawan2 saya yang susah nak sembahyang), financially stable, tak ada masalah untuk claim, colleagues yang sangat best (i am the only female engineer, yet they do not underestimate my capability), dan banyak lagi benefit yang menyebabkan saya susah untuk lepaskan. The trouble is always there, tapi all those are still manageable and saya tak kan mudah tergugat kot :)
   
   
2. Saya tak pernah berminat kerja kerajaan. To say that we won't learn much being the government servants would sound a bit understatement, but i dont really into it. And FYI, saya tak pernah isi borang SPA pun. Lain orang lain pandangannya. Sesetengah orang beranggapan kerja government ni menjamin hari tua, i agree. Sesetengah orang lak rasa kerja government ni gaji besar, i disagree. My Project Manager used to be a government servant and he resigned after being offered to be part of this company. That shows something. Whatever. Masing2 ada pendapat masing, and so do i. Rezeki masing2 kan..

OK. Dah2, nak sambung kerja. Hehe.. Dah buat salah tadi tiba2 jadi rajin lak :P

Unconditional love :)

sayang..

and...

thanks for still loving me (-_-")

and thanks for letting me be myself afterall..

.......................................................

him: can i ask you something?

me: sure.

him: why me?

me: (silent for a while) is it necessary to have reasons to love someone?

him: (smiling)

........................................................

we might just fall in love without reasons..

it is called, unconditional love :)

p.s: lukisan di atas dilukis kat henpon masa tengah baring2, plus saya memang tidak berbakat melukis pun sebenarnya. haha :))

apa kisah, luv is in the air~

Jom ramai2 pergi KK! :D

Khamis, kat kedai mamak Maulana masa tengah minum petang ramai2:

"Syg, nanti saya kena pergi KK gak, bos suruh buat meeting dgn consultants on Wednesday. So Tuesday evening saya kena fly ke sana la. Awak ada sana lagi kan time tu?" kata saya dengan riang dan senyuman manis terukir di bibir.

"Alaaaa, habis la plan party bujang saya!!" kata boipren saya separuh menjerit tak sempat nak cover plan licik beliau.

"Hahaha.. Nasib baik saya kekal bujang lagi" manager saya Abg Zack nampak gembira dapat berlagak bujang bila jauh dgn bini.

At office:

"Rohan, saya bujang 2 hari je tau. Hari ke-3 Husna datang lak. So apa2 plan yang seronok2 kita buat 2 hari tu la ye. Heheheh.." boipren saya berbisik2 dalam phone-conversation dengan seorang lagi manager saya di Sabah sambil diselang-seli dengan gelak tawa penuh licik (macam la aku tak dengar. Grrrr...).

"Abg Zack, nanti korang pergi mana2 semua saya nak ikut tau, tak kira la pergi mana pun, nak ikut gak.." saya mula melancarkan kuasa veto sebagai bakal CTO.

All the guys:.... Semua buat muka annoying sebab terpaksa bawak engineer pompuan ni pergi bergembira. Dalam hati masing2, "Kenapa la budak ni tiba2 ada kat sana sekali lak.. adeyyy.." (-_-")

Haha.. Padan muka masing2. Riangnya hati saya :PP Huhhh.. Rasa macam nak smackdown je lelaki2 kat opis saya ni. Memang pantang berjauhan dgn bini/gf. Semua nak berlagak bujang. Nasib baik la saya ni gf sporting. Well, my bf together with all the managers are going to KK for ISO meeting starting Monday to Wednesday (pagi tadi dah fly ke sana), and i was given a short notice to go there this Tuesday for Client-Consultant Meeting on the Wednesday. Last minute decision, nasib baik ada flight ticket lagi. So Wednesday night kami ramai2 akan balik KL in the same flight. (Tgh plan nak merengek2 dgn Abg Zack nak tukar seat ni.. Hihihi)

saya-wajah ceria dapat ikut ramai2 pergi holiday, eh silap, pegi outstation (-_-")

dia-wajah hampa rancangan utk bergembira sbg orang single di perantauan dah tergendala. hahahaha (gelak evil)

Dear me..

as we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to let us down probably will..
you'll have your heart broken, probably more than once, and its HARDER everytime..
you'll break hearts too, so remember how it feels when someone broke yours..
you'll fight with your bestfriend, and maybe even fall in love with them..
you'll blame a new love for things an old one did..you'll cry because time is passing too fast and you'll eventually lose someone close to you..


so,
take too many pictures,
laugh too much,
and love like you've never been hurt..
because,
every 60 seconds you spend angry or upset,
is a minute of HAPPINESS you'll never get back..

A byword of a woman with faith and strong will..

i was having majlis bacaan yasin at home and doa selamat yesterday, for my sister that will undergo an operation to remove her tumor this coming thursday. yes, the tumor that she had silently suffered for almost 7 years. mama had less sleep recently worrying and the rest of us, eventhough we're still laughing and joking as always, the pain is still can be feel inside...

in sense of family matters, i'm not as strong as it seems. in this family, i can be described as the one who used to blow her own horns the loudest, the one whose laughter is the hardest, and not to mention the craziest sister with the craziest jokes all the time. ironically, when it comes to this kind of situation, i am actually the most fragile among my siblings...

its a bit embarassing to admit that i am easily cry everytime Mama mentioning her worries about Kakna, to the extend that mama have to remind me, "nanti depan Kakna kau jangan menangis tau, nanti dia jadi lagi takut lak..". to be frank, my relationship with Kakna is not as close as me and Myra. maybe it is due to the 11 years of age gap between us, while for me and Myra the gap is only 8 years. me and Kakna rarely having a typical sister-sister conversations, we seldom talk about girls' stuffs (boyfriends, make-ups, shoes, handbags etc) as me and Myra used to. i always have different view on things compare to her, but we never fight though. yes, i was grown up having less communication with her. maybe because she used to live outside (boarding schools since she was form 1 and i was only 2 years old, further study at matriculation, to UKM and getting married at the age of 24, exactly as i am today!). so she moved, and makes us become apart. we have different way of thinking, sometimes i think i am strong, but seeing her always make me feel that i'm actually not strong enough. she had always be the trophy in the family, where Mama always take her as an example everytime we talk about achievements. Kakna this, Kakna that. yes, its all about Kakna. its undeniable that she got a very high level of IQ, she is superintelligent and she is rediculously brilliant. i do envy her quite some times, and there was one night when mama is reading thoroughly my degree scroll and other certificates, i suddenly asked, "mama bangga tak dengan dikna?" without any hesitation mama answered, "mesti la, mama bangga dengan semua anak2 mama". i dont even know what leads me to that kind of question, but it really moved me inside and i just turn away my head smiling with tears.

time goes by, and the distance between me and Kakna become thinner, thanks to her kids that raze the gap which seemingly build for years. i can talk about guys, she started to lend me her things, we can laugh about the same jokes - yes, as what sisters normally do. she is one of the person that i come to when i was demoralized and heart-broken a couple of years ago. she always make things seem so easy, she completed her Master's Degree when she already have 5 kids, somemore be the best student for that course! as how competetive i can be, at one point i have to stop myself from being intimidated by her achievement for life, she IS unbeatable. i hardly learn that mama is actually love all of us equally, mama is actually proud of all of us the same way she proud of Kakna.

now, Kakna, again, she's in pain.. and scared. but is keeping everything to herself. far to compare to me that always let out everything, always complaining, always come to mama to share my anxiety and sadness. can u believe that none of us aware of her fear, untill i read her notes, that again makes me cry. and so does mama. she is so strong that she never show us any of her thought. she only told us once about her operation long time ago and simply said, "jangan risau la ma, semua yang bedah tu doktor2 pakar.." so much to avoid us for being too concern of her. she's damn scared indeed, eventhough she's a doctor herself, what more the rest of us as non-medical person?

i'm not going to think about the outcomes of that tumor operation, i refused to think to be completely honest. i dont mind she continuously be the trophy of our family, i dont mind she always be the one that my siblings can talk about with full of pride, i dont mind she is the example that Mama always use for us to follow, i dont mind she always laugh at my things (we are completely different in sense of fashion too), i dont mind and i dont care, as what matters most for me is she comes back home safely after the operation, as long as the operation is successful and as long as the tumor could be removed for good so that she would stop suffering any pain that i cant even imagine hows it feels...

and afterall, i actually proud of her too, and deep inside i do hope that her achievement wont stop there, because anything is always possible for her.. u gonna make it sister! we, our family, will and always pray the best for u!

may ALLAH bless Noorulhana Sukarnakadi Hadzarami~