i feel like s**t

i'm not happy.
REASON:

1. i'm fat
2. i'm putting on weight
3. i'm not slim
4. i'm out-of-shape

all the above are heading to 1 point. I REALLY HAVE TO REDUCE WEIGHT! (final warning)

i always heard of these statements:

"i know that i'm fat, but who cares?"

"i'm fat, but i'm happy with myself"

"eat while u can eat, x yah nak diet2, asalkan happy sudah"

i REALLY2 hope that i can trust all those above, but i just CANT! of course i'm happy with what i have, but the happiness will quickly fade away everytime i try any garments that i admire and it seemed ugly in me. how am i going to be happy when most of my fav clothes are no longer fit in? how am i going to react as nothing changed in me when everytime i met my old frens (even with not-so-old frens as my college frens) they will freak out saying, "una, u're big!". i will certainly just throw a u're-a-cow-siyes-goddammit smile as response to them cuz i'm so tired of it! the 'eat while u can eat' idea is totally absurd, mind u. eating makes ppl happy, TRUE. but bear in mind that the joy wont last if u're not able to control ur desire. u can't just eat everything, u've to watch out too, or u'll end up regretting it when u're lying on the hospital bed for having hypertension/obesity/diabetes or any sort of scary diseases resulted of ur bad eating behavior.. (owh stop it, why am i keep using the word 'u'?? it supposed to be 'me' instead! i'm supposed to advise myself kan?). please read this with an open mind. never meant to offense any party, but i just feel bad for myself. i try to be positive, saying sumthing like, "just appreciate the way u're" or "luv urself for what u're" or any craps sort of, but i just cant.

these are things that i'm so long to wear, but i wont ever dare as i think it would just make me look gross:

1. white jeans
2. mini-skirts with skinny jeans as the inner.
3. long dress with flowery print.

i'm sooooo IMAGE-CONSCIOUS that it makes me sick of myself! whoever took my self-esteem, PLEASE give it back to me, cuz i really feel like it beginning to lose now. and it sucks! grr..

cik F =)

heheh. dear cik farah aliaa. anda selalu hampir mengantoikan perkara2 gila kita pd kekasihku. walaupun anda dah back up balik perbuatan anda tu dgn post di blog anda, namun sy merasakan sgt byk lagi benda2 yg membuatkan sy perlu berhati2 dgn anda. hahaha. maklum la, selama ni sy dikenali sbg seorg yg bersopan santun dan berhemah tnggi pd pandangan dia :D kalau la dia tau perangai sebenar sy yg.... bersopan santun dan berhemah tinggi.. eyh, sy ulang ayat yg sama kah? haha :)))

sila klik di sini utk baca balik apa yg cik farah aliaa ni cover utk tatapan cik abg sy :p

abg R.

yea, abg R.

itu adalah nama rekaan cik farah aliaa yg timbul daripada cerita rekaan kreatif sy yg telah ditokok tambah, yg menyebabkan kami ketawa mcm gila di kala kami berdua dirundung duka. dan gelak tawa yg mengilai2 itu jugalah yg menyebabkan bapa tiri sy terasa ingin sekali melayangkan surat pemberhentian kerja kepada sy. haha :))

byk rupanya panggilan yg direka2 utk dia.

adik bongsu kesayangan sy yg terkenal dgn panggilan gloria (klik di sini utk mengenali beliau dgn lbh mendalam),

pnggil abg han.

(bajet ensem mcm hans isaac)

padahal sy sniri pnggil awak je.

i'm at the office ni, lunch hour time.
cm boring lak.
lapaaa~
tp mcm sgt malas nak turun makan.
i'm listening to Taylor Swift~You Belong with Me.
the song that remind me to miss farah aliaa lg.
its all about farah aliaa today.
walaupun dia selalu ajak sy makan at the place with a killing price (regardless how broke i am, grr..), namun sy amat menyayanginya.
dear, xyah la pegi Kuching sorg2.
pegi membawa hati yg lara konon. u ni gile ke?
ke u ingat Kuching tu sama dgn Jalan Kuching?

huh.

doubts.

why do once i feel like i have everything,

then suddenly i feel like i'm losing everything..?

my stand, my strong will, and.. FAITH..

i was very firm before,

why now i've become fragile and out of control?

EVERYTHING'S SUCH A MESS!

i doubted every single decision i've made.

somehow i do realize that this wasn't right.

but how am i gonna fix it?

now you tell me..

i do enjoy getting loose and carefree as now,

i'm not just enjoying it, but I LOVE IT!

but what if all i need to do is GROW UP,

and face the reality?

that life is not that simple, not that loose,

and i'm not supposed to be that carefree?

i try to think positively that eveything's gonna be fine,

this is just a beginning and later things will be OK.

but what if i'm wrong?

what if the path i've chosen is a mistake and.. irreversible?

am i ready enough to bear with all the consequences?

what if the consequences is unbearable??

i've gone thru the hardest moment in my life, so i should be well-prepared, am i?

but..

what if the effect of my doings now is even harder than 'the hardest moment' i've gone thru?

oh damn.

i need a good bar of chocolate..

and a strong caffeine too.

p/s: having someone who loves you is blissful, evenmore when you love that someone too. but why do i always feel like, it takes more than LOVE to survive ..? maybe i'm just being way too complicated than i should..

the power of BLOG

well, everything was started about 5 months ago.

i was damn bored n stressful of being jobless, staying home doing nothing but surfing (mainly for job seeking or downloading movies).

it was soo tense to the extent that i was even thinking of burn all the movies i've downloaded into CD's, pack it nicely, and put up for sell at the nite market.

haha.. xley bygkan Husna the Pirate :))

my style is, i like to express my emotion thru writing.

my laptop can be take as my diary, i wrote like.. A LOT!:)

until 1 fine day i decided to share with ppl about what i feel and what i'm doing in my daily life.

*just to kill my boredom*

but of course, when u write sumthing for public views, there's a lot of things that crucially need to be screened before being published.

u're not going to expose every single thing in ur diary to the entire world rite?

so there we go, until now, with THE LIGHT OF KINDNESS as the title which i directly translated my name NOORUL HUSNA (cahaya kebaikan :D)

i'm writing just for fun to be honest.
also to share my views on sumthing (mostly books or sumtimes it can also be foods, etc),
and as anybody else, of course i will feel much2 appreciated if ppl are willing to read my writings.
for an ordinary girl as i am, having someone who actually spend their time to see the sights of my world is very.. yeah.. delightful! :D
siyesly, considering that.. well.. sape la sy kan..?

everytime ppl say sumthing that i asked them, "eyh, how do u know yea?", and when it happened that they respond as,

"from ur blog la" or "kan ko ada tulis kat blog ko"

well...

i really feel like.. pleased, appreciated, and full of contentment, knowing that they actually READ, eventho they seemed to have too many other important things to do rather than reading my craps. hik :p

being a blogger, there's a lot we need to consider.
ppl sentiment, ur surroundings..
yes, we live in the country that full of norms, and eventho we always claim that we already live in modern civilization, being too blunt and outspoken seemed pretty far to be acceptable in our culture (its so true, face it).
bcuz sumtimes when ppl read ur writings in a different tune, even one tiny-meaningless word can be very hazardous and caused harm to them.
i've seen many scenarios around me, that one good relationship was jeopardized only bcuz of this thing, a BLOG.

as for me, i tried my hardest not to use this website as a medium to condemn ppl (anymore :p).

its not easy to be frank, bcuz we're soo used to express every single thing that happened to our life thru this, so it wud be rather difficult to control, esp when we're in a bad condition (anger, depressed, sad, etc).

i slowly try to learn to divert my negative emotions to anything but blog.

cuz i know there's always someone who would read my word expression, who might take it differently from what i really meant, no matter how absurd it might sounds.

it can be someone i luv the most, or maybe someone i hate the most (if any),

and it can always happened that it was read by someone that i actually referring to in the blog.

it can be ANYBODY.

nevertheless,

many2 thanks for ur kindness,

for putting a little effort to read,

for smiling at my silly jokes :),

for even understand the jokes :p,

for accepting my words with an open mind,

and for ur willingness to share both my happiness and sorrow..

i really2 appreciate ur concern.

even u might not realize that when u read, u actually care :)

luv ya~!

(^x^)

these 2 days.

yesterday:
i was a bit down.
kena mara dgn boss!
it was actually sumthing like, conflict of orders.
it wasn't supposed to be a big deal,
but, well.. biasa la.
we tend to find sum1 to be blamed when anything not good happened.
hell yeah, the boss is always right.
nvrmind, at least i learn sumthing.
office politic sucks! --> this what i've learn.
*pissed-off*

i'm a bit unwell, selsema je. nothing much pun.
but mcm2 mama suro i telan.
garlic pills la, vitamin C la, suruh letak minyak kat kepala la, suruh tdo awal la.
"ma, i'm not paralysed ok, i'm just having a flu.."
thats my over-protective mom..

today:-
this morning, at 9.00 am, i still luv my job, and i try to luv the boss as well :)
the flu become worse, but i'm still fine, still standing. (and mama still remind mcm2 pg td).
the novel If You Could See Me Now is rather interesting the more i read it :)
i'm wearing red, to build up my mood :)

BOOKaholic!

me: ma, ada 1 rak buku x psg lagi kan? dikna nak assemble leh?

mama: watpenye, yg ko wat sepah2 ni pesal?

me: ala da xde tempat la nak letak buku2 dikna ni.

mama: mane ada space nak letak rak buku ko da. ko tgk la, makin sempit da bilik ni.

me: ala rak magazine mama tu letak kat lain la, rak dikna letak situ.

mama: byk cantik ko.

me: mmg cantik pun :D

yea, bln ni sy ada byk buku baru. da tatau nak letak mana. sonok betul la, rasa mcm hidup sentiasa terisi :) reading is my true passion, last month sy mati kutu betul bila semua buku sy da habis baca, rasa mcm boring gile xtau nak buat apa. suddenly this month dtg byk lak buku. owh thank God :) so my dear, u know why i tend to not reply ur sms recently, i'm too bz with the books ok? as i have to compete with ur Man U to get ur attention, u have to compete with all my books to get mine. fair enuff :))

-THE TWILIGHT SAGA -

these are a gift from my fren, Epi. its soo thoughtful of u bro, thanks! :D u know how much i appreciate it! (i think i've fall in luv with Edward Cullen the more i read this :p)

-If You Could See Me Now-

skang ni tgh struggle nak abiskan buku ni walaupun rasa mcm x best. cuz i just realized that the main character in this story bercinta dgn someone invisible or sum sort of imaginary friend. x sesuai la dgn pemikiran sy yg realistic ni. but i still hav to finish it. ish.

-My Sister's Keeper-

ni mama punya novel baru, kakna hadiahkan. sy x baca lg, tp mama ckp sgt best la. da dijadikan movie da pun. baca summary at the back pun mmg mcm best la :)

-Remember Me?-

yeah, as usual Sophie Kinsella wud never disappoint us. sgt best la, i've just bought another 1 entitled Can You Keep A Secret? as well, tp ada kat kakna dia pinjam :)

dan selain buku2 baru, sy juga da pakai bookmark yg baru. da lebih setahun kan sy pakai yg lama tu. for sum ppl, there's no big deal about bookmark, they can use anything to mark the page they've read (my dear guy pnah guna pembalut gula2 je as his bookmark. haha). but not for me, i take bookmark that i'll be using siyesly. kalau bookmark yg sy biasa pakai tu hilang, rasa x bersemangat lgsg nak membaca. haha. (mengada2 :p). ala sukati la, sy kan IMAGE-CONSCIOUS :D

my old bookmark: given by my ex together with his bday present during my 23rd bday party. mind u, i luv it not bcuz of the person who gave it to me, but definitely bcuz the words written on it. spirit! :)

my new one! given by someone i just know on the flight to Tawau last week (it comes together with his name card, of course :p). cute, isn't it? he sat next to me on the plane. well, its worth being friendly, i'm telling u :))

owh, i got call from kakna just now. "na, kakna da beli The Undomestic Goddes tau, ko jgn beli lak yg tu. nanti ko beli Shopaholic Takes Manhattan dgn Shopaholic and Sister je". BESTNYEEEE! thrill gile rase. baru plan nak beli buku tu on my next salary. owh i luv being born in this family :) best3!

thats all for now, got a lot of things to do, and loads of books i've to catch up. *SO HEAVEN*. well, the quote for the day is: BETTER BE UNBORN THAN UNTAUGHT. happy read! :)

ehem.. (^_^)

i'm happy.

i'm glad.

i'm completely in high spirits.

i'm feeling great.

i'm so contented!

what a blissful life :)

everything happens the way i desired.

i realy feel complete.

one step at a time,

now i have everything i ever wished for.

i mean, EVERYTHING.

a very close+loving+supportive family.

a career that i really luv.

the bestfriends who care a lot,

who still in touch no matter how busy we're.

and..

the one who makes things easier, makes my day everyday,

the reason for each & every big smile i have =)

yes, THE ONE..

~gratitude with gratification~

p/s: ich liebe dich MHR :)

she..

.....she relaxed back in her chair and gazed out of the window in the plane appreciating how beautiful the world down below. she tot about what she had learned, who she once was and who she had now become. she was a woman who had been given advice from the one she loved, who had taken it and tried her hardest to help heal herself. she now had a job that she loved and felt confident within herself to reach what she wanted..

she was a woman who made mistakes, who sometimes cried for reasons in the middle of the nights alone in bed. she was a woman often became bored with her life and found it hard to get up for work in the morning. she was a woman who more often than nor had a bad hair day, who looked in the mirror and wondered why she couldn't just drag herself to the gym more often; she was a woman who sometimes questioned what reason had she to live in this planet. she was a woman who sometimes just got things wrong..

on the other hand, she was a woman with a million happy memories, who knew what it was like to experience luv and who was ready to experience more life, more luv and make new memories. whether it happened in ten months or ten years, she would just obey what had written by God. whatever lay ahead, she knew she would open her heart and follow where it led her..

in the mean time, she would just live...

*P.S. I Love You *