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Friday, November 6, 2009

A byword of a woman with faith and strong will..

i was having majlis bacaan yasin at home and doa selamat yesterday, for my sister that will undergo an operation to remove her tumor this coming thursday. yes, the tumor that she had silently suffered for almost 7 years. mama had less sleep recently worrying and the rest of us, eventhough we're still laughing and joking as always, the pain is still can be feel inside...

in sense of family matters, i'm not as strong as it seems. in this family, i can be described as the one who used to blow her own horns the loudest, the one whose laughter is the hardest, and not to mention the craziest sister with the craziest jokes all the time. ironically, when it comes to this kind of situation, i am actually the most fragile among my siblings...

its a bit embarassing to admit that i am easily cry everytime Mama mentioning her worries about Kakna, to the extend that mama have to remind me, "nanti depan Kakna kau jangan menangis tau, nanti dia jadi lagi takut lak..". to be frank, my relationship with Kakna is not as close as me and Myra. maybe it is due to the 11 years of age gap between us, while for me and Myra the gap is only 8 years. me and Kakna rarely having a typical sister-sister conversations, we seldom talk about girls' stuffs (boyfriends, make-ups, shoes, handbags etc) as me and Myra used to. i always have different view on things compare to her, but we never fight though. yes, i was grown up having less communication with her. maybe because she used to live outside (boarding schools since she was form 1 and i was only 2 years old, further study at matriculation, to UKM and getting married at the age of 24, exactly as i am today!). so she moved, and makes us become apart. we have different way of thinking, sometimes i think i am strong, but seeing her always make me feel that i'm actually not strong enough. she had always be the trophy in the family, where Mama always take her as an example everytime we talk about achievements. Kakna this, Kakna that. yes, its all about Kakna. its undeniable that she got a very high level of IQ, she is superintelligent and she is rediculously brilliant. i do envy her quite some times, and there was one night when mama is reading thoroughly my degree scroll and other certificates, i suddenly asked, "mama bangga tak dengan dikna?" without any hesitation mama answered, "mesti la, mama bangga dengan semua anak2 mama". i dont even know what leads me to that kind of question, but it really moved me inside and i just turn away my head smiling with tears.

time goes by, and the distance between me and Kakna become thinner, thanks to her kids that raze the gap which seemingly build for years. i can talk about guys, she started to lend me her things, we can laugh about the same jokes - yes, as what sisters normally do. she is one of the person that i come to when i was demoralized and heart-broken a couple of years ago. she always make things seem so easy, she completed her Master's Degree when she already have 5 kids, somemore be the best student for that course! as how competetive i can be, at one point i have to stop myself from being intimidated by her achievement for life, she IS unbeatable. i hardly learn that mama is actually love all of us equally, mama is actually proud of all of us the same way she proud of Kakna.

now, Kakna, again, she's in pain.. and scared. but is keeping everything to herself. far to compare to me that always let out everything, always complaining, always come to mama to share my anxiety and sadness. can u believe that none of us aware of her fear, untill i read her notes, that again makes me cry. and so does mama. she is so strong that she never show us any of her thought. she only told us once about her operation long time ago and simply said, "jangan risau la ma, semua yang bedah tu doktor2 pakar.." so much to avoid us for being too concern of her. she's damn scared indeed, eventhough she's a doctor herself, what more the rest of us as non-medical person?

i'm not going to think about the outcomes of that tumor operation, i refused to think to be completely honest. i dont mind she continuously be the trophy of our family, i dont mind she always be the one that my siblings can talk about with full of pride, i dont mind she is the example that Mama always use for us to follow, i dont mind she always laugh at my things (we are completely different in sense of fashion too), i dont mind and i dont care, as what matters most for me is she comes back home safely after the operation, as long as the operation is successful and as long as the tumor could be removed for good so that she would stop suffering any pain that i cant even imagine hows it feels...

and afterall, i actually proud of her too, and deep inside i do hope that her achievement wont stop there, because anything is always possible for her.. u gonna make it sister! we, our family, will and always pray the best for u!

may ALLAH bless Noorulhana Sukarnakadi Hadzarami~





7 comments:

  1. tbe2 i cm sedih baca entry u nih. ;(

    hope she's fine :)

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  2. banyakkan berdoa, mudah - mudahan semuanye berjalan dengan sempurna...

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  3. banyakkan berdoa, mudah - mudahan semuanye berjalan dengan sempurna...

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  4. Dear Husna,

    I doakan ur Kakna safety.
    Semoga ALLAH selamatkan ur Kakna.

    Just bersabar.

    [p.s: u please jaga aicha bek2 ye :) ]

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  5. thanks everyone :)
    makin dekat the date makin berdebar lak sy..

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  6. na,
    aku baru hari ni perasan entry ni...
    harap2 kak na selamat dan semua ok..
    banyak2 doa n bersabar.....

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  7. thanks nisa :)

    btw, dah selamat dibedah pun.
    u know what, that kind of operation normally takes 2 and a half hour only, but for my sister, it took 7 hours can u believe that? it involved 4 doktor pakar and sorang consultant. ambik masa lama because tumor tu dah melekat dengan 'wayar' yang sambung ke otak tu.. ngeri aku dengar.. huhu..

    but Alhamdulillah, everything went well so far, and she looks fine.

    one thing yang kelakar, anak2 dia langsung x heran mummy diorang tu masuk hospital masa dibagitau tu. siap tanya lagi, "kan mummy hari2 pun pegi hospital?" haha.. lupa lak kakna tu doktor :P

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